Friday, October 30, 2009

A Failed Business Plan


I have to expand my business in another country. My business plan calls for continuous expansion. It's what we do. My suppliers need me to continuously expand so that they can all make lots of money.

There are a few significant problems, however.

First of all, I don't have ANY money for this expansion. I'll need to borrow every penny.

Secondly, I have serious concerns about the stability of the government in the country where I want to operate my stores. The government could fail at any minute and they may not want me to be there once I get my stores open.

Third, this is a very dangerous place to set up my business, but I can deal with that part. I'll heavily arm my employees and authorize my employees to kill anyone that they have to. My employees aren't exactly thrilled about my idea to expand our business into this country, but they are very loyal to me, and luckily for me, they are under iron clad employment contracts. They can go to jail if they refuse to go where I send them. And, fortunately for me, I don't have to pay them exorbitant amounts to send them there. But actually, in my business plan, costs don't really matter. All that matters is that we continuously expand.

If my employees don't have some of the skills or equipment that I need to set up my business, I can get other companies to do the work on an independent contractor basis, and my business plan doesn't require me to look at how much they are charging me. My bankers have promised to fund the loan for my business regardless of these impediments. I'm so glad I don't have that headache of balancing a budget for my business.

Another potential problem is that I'm not sure that the people in the country of expansion either need my product or want it. Yet, I'm not overly concerned with that. I've got a business to run and they'll eventually want me to be there, I'm sure. They just don't know how great I am and how much they need what I'm selling.

My managers keep assuring me that they can create a successful store if I'll just send the employees over quickly. They think they may be able to set up our stores if we send at least 40,000 employees, but it may take 10 years or more to get the stores set up and we may need several hundred thousand employees to set up our store.

In order to fill my staffing needs, I'm going to have to pull people out of other jobs here in the U.S. and send them over to my new stores for the next year or so. I'm sure their families will understand. I'm also sure that some of them may not come back in tact, so I'll need to plan for sending replacement employees and for dealing with the medical needs of those who come back home too injured to work in my stores. (Note to self: This is one area where our company may be able to save a few dollars. We'll need to appoint a subcommittee to study that).

But wait a minute, I thought you said that your bankers don't care how much things cost? Why wouldn't you just get your bankers to pay anything that you need to care for your sick or injured workers (or to take care of the families of those who get killed in setting up the stores)?

I can't believe you asked me that question. You obviously aren't a business person. You see, my business plan thrives on expansion of the business, and building the business, not taking care of its workers. You just don't understand this business. What's wrong with you focusing on the human cost of the business? You must be a Communist.

Did I mention that no outsiders have ever set up a store in this country over thousands of years? Don't worry....we'll get it done---we're different, we're special--they just don't know us well enough yet. We have the best stores in the world. Don't fret over the fact that our test store has only been open for 8 years. Sometimes it just takes a little while for people to understand how much they need our product.

If you were the Chairman of the Board of my company, would you think that I have a sound business plan? Are you ready to give me the green light to proceed full speed ahead?

Whatever you do, please don't "dither" or spend a lot of time thinking about it.

The only thing I really need your input on is where to put my stores. I've already got my sights set on Afghanistan, but I'm not ruling out Pakistan.

Many are saying that our stores in the U.S. are in need of retooling and reinvestment, but they just don't understand a great business model when they see one.



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